Forgiveness, maybe we are doing it wrong?

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching these last few years and forgiveness was my toughest lesson. The one that took the longest to get, and I have to admit, the one I was being the most stubborn with. Don’t get me wrong, forgiveness was something taught to me from a young age. Growing up in church, forgiveness is a big deal. It sadly took me 30 some odd years to finally understand and create a healthy relationship with forgiveness. I don’t know if they taught it wrong, I heard it wrong, or a combination of both. Whatever it was, it was wrong. Wrong in my heart and wrong for my soul. I had to throw every preconceived notion I had away and start over, and no one likes starting over, but sometimes starting over is all we have. Much like most of my lessons I’ve learned, this was about me. I was doing it wrong, I was in my own way. Actually, you will find that one recurring theme in my life will be ME. Not in a selfish or vain way, in the aspect that all I can control is me. I can only change me, I must truly love me, and I must forgive me. Today, I want to share a little about my lessons in forgiveness.

One of the first things I had to accept is that forgiveness isn’t a free pass. Forgiveness doesn’t absolve someone of the wrongs they committed, its not complacency. Forgiveness actually has little to nothing to do with the one you are forgiving. I had this wrong, very wrong, and it made forgiveness sometimes feel impossible. Maybe you have a person in your life that likes to use forgiveness as a get out of jail free card. That person that will expect forgiveness if they even kind of apologize. The same one that expects that once they are forgiven, what they have done, repeatedly do, or will do again must not be mentioned. I think we all have that in some way, and have all been that as well. This is why I struggled with forgiveness. It became a chore and I felt if I withheld forgiveness then somehow they would pay for their actions. That seriously backfired! I found that the only one paying for anything was me. I was the one carrying around the burden and anger. I was the one constantly suffering from someone else’s choices. How is that right?

I had to finally accept that forgiveness is about me, it is a conscious decision to let go of the burden someone else tried to give me. I also had to accept that I am not the one to dictate, hand out, or ensure anyone gets what’s coming to them. That’s another misconception of forgiveness, that we are somehow the judge of when someone deserves it. Did they change? Did they ask for it correctly? Did they admit their faults clearly? Have they suffered for what they have done? When did we become the ones that get to decide that, and why would we want to do that to ourselves? We hold onto these hurts and we let them fuel us to get even or make sure they know what they did to us, and all it does is keep cutting open a wound in our own souls that is so desperately trying to heal. We might not always see the consequences to their actions, we might not be involved in the justice of what they do, but in no way does that mean they don’t experience them. We have gotten way too comfortable and even slightly obsessed with being judge and jury. We somehow took on the notion that it is our responsibility to make sure someone pays for their actions. When we do this, we are willingly carrying a weight we don’t own, and in the end our obsession with making them pay says way more about us and our shortcomings than it ever will about theirs. Tough love time, your healing is no one else’s responsibility. This is where forgiveness, true forgiveness comes into play.

Let me tell you, its never easy to admit that you are the one holding yourself back in anyway, especially in ways that are keeping you bitter and not better. I had a huge lesson in forgiveness and I think it had to be huge so I would get it. I had to conquer the highest mountain so that I could truly see the big picture. The first thing I had to accept is that forgiving them had nothing to do with if they asked for it, acknowledged it, or even deserved it. Who cares if they deserve it, YOU deserve it. I had to accept that yes, I was hurt. Yes, my feelings are real and valid. I also had to accept that I had the power to not be the victim anymore. I cant always control what is done to me or by whom, I do get to control how I react to it. Forgiveness isn’t letting them off the hook, forgiveness is taking control of your power and dictating what you will allow their actions to do to you. Forgiveness is for you and you alone. Sometimes you can accept that a person is a certain way and love them for who they are and not who you wish them to be. Sometimes you have to let go of a person and love them from afar, that’s ok too. We are in control of our own boundaries, our own space. Some relationships are meant to be and some we have to let go of, this includes family. I meant what I said though. We love them from afar. Holding all of this anger, ill will, and resentment towards someone does nothing to them and everything to us. It eats at us and weighs us down. We hold judgement and the idea that we get to punish them somehow. At the end of it all, we can not and never will be able to dictate others, we cant use their actions as an excuse for our own bad behavior, and we can’t decide the price that they must pay. This is forgiveness, letting go of their choices and being in control of your own.

This brings me to my next and very important part of forgiveness, we have to forgive ourselves. When we are the ones doing the hurting, and inevitably we will be, we must forgive ourselves. It is incredibly important that we acknowledge what we have done to others, and how our actions have impacted their lives. We must acknowledge this to them and to ourselves. Then, we forgive ourselves, and hope they can forgive us too. Sometimes it means that we have to work hard to repair damage that we created, it means we have to accept and acknowledge that this huge crack in the foundation is our fault. We cant always say, “I apologized and so I don’t want to hear it about it anymore.” This doesn’t mean that we have to keep begging for forgiveness, or trying to earn approval from others. It means that we acknowledge our part and are ready to grow and rebuild what is broken. When we forgive ourselves, this also allows us the strength to walk away when we must. Not everyone will be in a place to forgive you but that has to be their problem and not yours. This doesn’t absolve you from responsibility but you cant change what you’ve done. You can only do better. There are many bridges I have burned and ones burned with me. I just finally decided that those bridges don’t have to ruin the landscape. Some are meant to be rebuilt, and others lead to places you don’t belong anymore. If you learned from it, grew from it, and resolve to do better, than it was never a bridge wasted. Forgiveness isn’t hard, letting go of the heavy mess we have become accustomed to holding is. Know your worth, know you deserve to be happy. Happiness isn’t a perfect life, it’s choosing love in a very imperfect one. That’s forgiveness, love. Loving others and yourself, especially in the moments when we make it the hardest.