Be The Bigger Person

I don’t know about you but this has been ingrained in me since childhood. I remember plenty of conversations where I had strong feelings about a person or situation, usually ones where my feelings had been hurt, and the solution was always to be the bigger person. Those conversations are the moments that “being the bigger person” got misconstrued and twisted in my mind. Moments that forever shaped how I viewed and handled boundaries, emotions, and co-dependency. So what does it mean to be the bigger person? How do we change ideals and habits that we’ve carried for a lifetime? I don’t even think I can answer those questions completely, but I’ve decided it is worth figuring out.

The last 6 years or so seems to have been one new lesson after another on this very topic. Usually being the bigger person has more to do with the other person's comfort and inability to take accountability, than it does with any big gesture being made on your part. We are taught that being the bigger person is just that, being big. In reality it makes us feel invisible and small. What is big about removing your needs and feelings from any situation? By “normal” standards the only person getting bigger is the person who’s behavior you are condoning. I don’t know about you guys but family issues have been a big one for me lately. Six years ago my mom passed, two years ago my father in law passed, both had irreversible and undeniable ripple effects within our life. Like their passing ripped down any facade that had been firmly in place for the last 40 years. These events not only had me seeing those closest to me clearly but myself as well. Like I said, the last six years have been lesson after lesson on this, but not just in how often I was “being the bigger person” but how often I was expecting the same from others. Eye opening to say the least.

I’ve had to draw some hard lines I never wanted to draw, I have also been forced to pay attention to the ones that others drew. Lines I perhaps ignored a little too much, lines I constantly crossed and then couldn’t understand why I was shot down immediately. I entered a no fly zone and had the audacity to be upset at the repercussions. I roll my eyes at myself in these moments, you kind of have to. So what does being the bigger person mean to me? I’m so glad you asked, and if you didn’t, that’s ok, I’m going to tell you anyway.

Being the bigger person isn’t being the one that ends the standoff, it’s not ignoring your needs or feelings to avoid conflict, and it definitely isn’t subscribing to the ideology of blood is thicker than water. Let’s talk about this last one for a minute. There has been a lot of changes made in my family life lately, from boundaries to authenticity, none have been easy on the family structure. Some downright broke it. I can’t even tell you how many times I have heard the phrase “that’s your (insert family member here), they are the only ones you get.” As if that is somehow a reason to be the “bigger person.” Let me tell you something, it is not. I only have one left arm, its a great arm too. It is where i keep my wedding ring, where I wear my watch, and it has hours and a lot of money in it from tattoos. I may be right handed but my left arm is pretty damn important to me. I love it. Now if I experienced a trauma or injury that my arm just wasn’t a match for, something that was slowly poisoning me from the inside, what would I have to do. Chances are I would have to amputate. My option is to cut the arm, no matter how much I love it, or let it keep poisoning me until it kills me dead. That’s it. those are the options. By the standards we have been discussing, my job would be to keep nurturing the arm, never telling it how much it is hurting me, and when I die, I die with my left arm intact. You know, because it is the only one I got. This makes about as much sense as a screen door on a submarine. Yet, if what is poisoning us is a parent, sibling, child, or spouse, then it somehow is different. Now I would hate to lose my arm, I would miss it terribly. I could understand how maybe the trauma wasn’t the arms fault. I could understand that it couldn’t, for whatever reason, rid itself of this darkness while simultaneously knowing that I can’t keep it to save my own life. This is what being the bigger person truly looks like. It is seeing people for who they are, trauma included, and knowing the difference between love and co-dependency. Sometimes something can’t be saved, sometimes the only way to save yourself is to let go. It is not about proving a point or holding a grudge, it isn’t about making them or you fit in any box. It is all about seeing that the only way to stop the spinning is to get off the merry-go-round. Being the bigger person is accepting others for who they are and accepting yourself for who you are with love and grace. No need to force, no need to fight, just release. Being the bigger person is seeing clearly WITHOUT trying to change the picture. It is being grateful for what was, what’s learned, and what is yet to come. It is being fluid yet firm, like a dock. Some relationships will ebb and flow like the ocean, some remain steady and calm, either way let it be what it is. Be ok with no contact and low contact. Be ok with not being able to fix what is meant to be broken. Be ok with knowing that you only have one left arm but if keeping it means killing you, its ok to let it go. Even if you’ll never have another one. Fun fact; your body is more than just your arm, and while it might never be whole without your arm it can be pretty damn impressive. More than likely, you'll thrive.

So while I don’t have the process down, my boundaries are always shifting and changing, I am having to learn new lessons daily and in real time, I am working with the understanding that being the bigger person will never ask me to be small. So, anything or anyone that is asking that of me will be pretty disappointed when I can not meet their demand, but I love them anyway. Even if it is from a far. The only person that I can’t love from a far is me, and it’s about time I learned that. If you don’t know it, then learn it. It’ll save your life, even if you lose a few parts.