Tug-O-War

I was inspired to write this blog from this week’s card pull. Ironically, it wasn’t just the card I chose, they all spoke to me, loudly. I find myself in a tug-o-war, knowing where I stand and fighting for the upper hand relentlessly. It is exhausting. It got me thinking though, about the hill I choose to die on and if it is worth it in the end. The more I thought about the card I chose and the ones that kept pestering me, the more I realized they go hand in hand, and it was time to embrace them all. So, much like the cards suggests, I find myself face to face with a fiery climax; and wondering, do I know my worth enough to see my way through?

As I was talking through the card reveal, I just kept getting hit with my own realizations. It was one of those times I wondered if the cards were for me alone and Spirit was just calling me out in a very public way. I then also realized that the world doesn’t revolve around me, no matter how much I’d like to think it does. So I decided to write, I figured that someone out there might be feeling the same and if there isn’t, I still need to work this out in my own head. Why not share the process? I find myself in a place that embodies all three cards, I am standing firm, possibly digging my heels in a little too much. I am also fighting with knowing my worth and where I deserve to go and how I deserve to belong. And, we cant forget about the fiery climax, because if this little journey has been anything, its been fiery. How do we reconcile who we are, what we know to be true, with who others are and what they know to be true? The tricky thing about truth is it isn’t universal. What is true for you isn’t true for everyone, and annoyingly, there truth is just as true as yours. Man, did I pack a lot of truth in that sentence! This is where I find myself, in a battle of truths. Look if you’re going to be in a battle, the truths one isn’t the first I would choose. It is messy, and harsh, and almost impossible to reconcile. That is where the tug-o-war is coming in, and not in a good way. We get so caught up in our truth, that we decide to pull and pull and pull until someone falls or the whole damn rope breaks. What could it mean if we just let go? If we chose to see their truth, not as our own, but as a new perception? I’ve struggled with this the most.

Look, I am no stranger to the battle of truths. I grew up in religion and that is one of the biggest truth battles out there. Everyone is right in their beliefs and there is no room for others. Being a medium brings its own battles with truth and I thought I had gotten pretty comfortable accepting that my views and others wont always align. Well, the universe had a good laugh at me and sent me here, to this moment, in this tug-o-war. This one has more on the lines it would seem, its a tug-o-war I don’t want to lose yet the more I tug, I am not sure I want to win either. How do we reconcile the two then? Our truth with theirs? Our worth as we see it and our worth as they do? I guess that is the question I find myself trying to answer. I wish it had an easy answer, and I guess in some ways it does, I have to know my worth and where I stand. It has just been a harsh reminder that sometimes the people you want to buy into you the most, can’t afford the asking price. I guess that is where the whole loving people for who they are and placing them where they belong comes in. I just find myself in a moment that has reminded me how extremely painful that can be.

As this reaches its climax, and it is, I have to ask myself if I want to win or if I want peace. You’d think that they go hand in hand, but I am finding they most definitely do not. As weird as it may seem, accepting that fact is actually bringing me peace. I can’t go back, and going forward as is, is impossible. This leaves me one option. I must let go of the rope. I can’t make anyone see me as I see myself, and I can’t be perfect or fit in any box, not even ones I create. I have to accept that I am always changing and growing and that this path isn’t linear. I make amazing choices and I make really really bad ones. I have to learn to accept responsibility while not sacrificing my integrity. I also have to learn that I can’t decide how someone sees me or how my actions effect them. Essentially, I can’t decide how hurt someone is after I pulled a trigger and in absolutely the same breath, they can’t control that either. I think that plays the biggest part in this tug-o-war, who is the most right, the most hurt, and the most damaged. I am slowly understanding that this part of the war will undoubtedly kill us both if we choose to see it through. I have had to let go of many people and situations, I have had to accept that they can’t come with me on this journey and somehow still authentically live out theirs, and yet I can’t seem to let this one go. How annoying am I? I’m sure you’ve found yourself there a time or two as well.

I don’t know how this climax will come, what this end will look like, but I do know it is coming. That no matter the path it can’t be this one anymore and that is terrifying in so many ways. I can’t change my truth now. I can’t go back to who I was and I am not anywhere near done growing either. That fluidity is mine and it can be a current others can’t or won’t swim in, no matter how hard we try. I’m reminded that growth is uncomfortable, even painful. I am reminded that who I am is because of who I have been and I won’t and can’t carry shame in this. I am reminded that standing my ground should never come at the cost of digging away at someone else’s. I am reminded that when the dust settles, the situation might have faded away but the way I went to war will remain energetically in place, that my actions will always speak louder than mine and anyone else’s words. I am reminded that those words can also never be unsaid, never taken back, and no matter the intent, you can never control how they are received. I am reminded that it isn’t always about winning but about how you choose to fight.

So I will take the gentle nudge from Spirit and the cards of this week and use them accordingly. I have to know where I stand, without digging my heels in, without a point to be proven. I have to know my worth and not be ashamed of that worth, that where I have been adds to my value and never decreases it. Most importantly, I have to know when to drop the rope, know that being “right” will never feel better than being at peace. I have to know that I can love wholly, deeply, and truly; while also knowing that it may never be accepted by others. I also must know that the right path isn’t always the least painful, isn’t always the one with the least goodbyes, but it is the one I must take anyway. I have to know that in the end, I’ll be exactly where I’m meant to be, even if a little ragged and bruised. I have to trust the journey.