The Narcissist And The Emapth: Part 2

Welcome back to the saga of the narcissist and the empath. This time I want to talk about the abuse handed out by both and how we can start to break a very toxic cycle. Narcissistic abuse is talked about often. Abuse from an empath? Not so much. I might not be popular by the end of this but that’s ok. Understanding that there is no right side, no one personality greater than the other, is very important to me. Let’s be clear, I’d rather be empathic than narcissistic, but who wouldn’t?! I think the whole reason I’m writing this is to help identify some very toxic, yet basic personality traits that seem to run this world. Not so we can judge or label anyone, but so we may look inwards and identify where we can improve and how we can work to break the cycles.
We went over narcissistic tendencies last blog and I’ll talk more about the abuse. Narcissistic abuse is extremely damaging. It’s terrifying, confusing, heavy, and painful. Those on the other end often feel crazy, and utterly destroyed. The long term effects are many and it can take years to recover. Some of a narcissists greatest weapons are gaslighting, shame, love bombing, and manipulation. Let’s start with love bombing, as it’s often the first step. You can’t tear someone down completely without first building them up. The higher the pedestal they put you on, the harder you fall when they push you off it. You will feel very good and loved, even safe, during a love bombing time period. This is a time when the narcissist becomes everything you want them to be while simultaneously claiming you are the same for them. It’s confusing and mind altering. We get so caught up in all the “love” we are more than blind to the flags waiving all in our face. When the fall comes it’s discombobulating. How can someone love you so much, yet have nothing but hateful things to say? It has to be us, right? We are the problem. How could we mess up so badly? Usually this love bombing is a precursor to isolation. You will have done something or allowed someone else to do something that is unacceptable. You must cut them out to keep your abuser. They love you, these other people don’t. Build up, tear down, isolate, and repeat.

Gaslighting is another important and effective technique. You know the lawful saying “anything you say can and will be used against you?” Thats gaslighting in a nutshell. Narcissists will push and push and push and when you snap, and you eventually will, you then become the crazy one. The one that can’t control themselves. It doesn’t matter what words or events came first, how much the abuser said or did, all they need is that one snap from you. All of a sudden you become the villain and they the victim. They are fast, smart, and precise. In no time at all, you will be second guessing everything you know, and most of the time apologizing to them. It is manipulation at its finest, and before you know it you can’t tell who’s crazy and who’s not.
Shame is another powerful weapon. Narcissists feel none but will make you feel plenty. Shame will keep you weighed down and that weight keeps you helpless. Have you ever felt in the wrong for something someone else has done? Their actions are not important but how you reacted or didn’t react to them is. Narcissistic shame is sometimes so covert you don’t even catch it, and when you do? Well, that’s what gaslighting is for. Let’s say for example you work your butt off and finally earn that promotion. You go and share with your loved ones and feel so proud! If you have a narcissistic parent or spouse you could get a reaction like “oh that’s so nice, I’ve been at my job for 10 years with no promotion but I’m sure you’ve earned it.” You understand the point. Doesn’t matter what they do, don’t do, won’t do, all that matters is that you never feel bigger than them. They can’t praise you fully, God forbid you realize your worth.
I wrote manipulation as a weapon, and it is. Manipulation is the only weapon actually, it just comes in many forms. A narcissists only weapon is manipulation. They manipulate you and they manipulate themselves. It takes far more work than you realize to be so miserable and diabolical. To convince yourself that you’re not the problem and everyone else is. While they can fool many, they can never fool many for long. Narcissists don’t keep friends. It’s impossible. So learn that and use it. Like a company reviewing applicants, the inability to keep a job is a huge red flag and a basis for rejection. If your potential narcissist has no long term relationship history, the problem isn’t all you. Getting out from under narcissistic abuse is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. How do you find yourself when you’ve been scrambled like an egg? Learning to not react is number 1. You can’t manipulate what isn’t there, right? If you show no emotion, no matter what you feel inside, a narcissist can’t function. They can’t read you, and they can’t use you. They need you to feel small to keep them big. You might think being big would be the answer then, right? Wrong! Narcissists love a challenge and breaking you would be their pleasure. When you go blank and show them nothing, they will see their own way out. They can give nothing but they can never take it in. It short circuits their brains. If I were to simplify I’d say, narcissists love manipulation and can’t handle indifference.

Now let’s talk empaths, shall we? I know one would think empaths and abuse don’t go hand in hand, but they do. Empaths and narcissists are on separate ends of all kinds of spectrums. Ego being one. A narcissist has grand ideas of who they are, often bordering delusional. Empaths the opposite, who we are means little compared to everyone else. This allows empaths to abuse themselves just as much as they abuse others. A double whammy. Empaths also use manipulation as abuse but in a different way. They don’t try to manipulate you per say, but they manipulate the information they have and the emotions they feel.
Ever been “broken up” with by an empath? Not necessarily in romantic terms, but even a friendship breakup. Unfortunately, it’s a thing and I for one don’t like it. I think it’s a very poignant form of empathic abuse. Let me explain. An empath is giving, giving, giving, and trying to fix, fix, fix, and one day they realize they can’t fix and now they’re drained and exhausted. So next time so and so calls or shows up, they have to “break up” with them because all of a sudden they are abusing and breaking boundaries that never existed until right this moment. Usually these breakups are out of the blue, toxic, and full of laundry lists of grievances that the other had no idea they were committing. It’s painful and harsh, full of so much more than it needs to be because the empath must justify a move they should have made themselves eons ago. See that’s the empaths biggest form of abuse, blaming others for abusing boundaries the empath never set in the first place.
That brings me to the next form of empath abuse, and this is one that effects others as well as themselves. Empaths DO feel, they feel things they want to and things they don’t. They also feel things you don’t want them to. Empaths want to fix, they want to correct. They don’t wait to be asked, they don’t even wait to be wanted, they just do. So they will give and give unasked and then be extremely hurt when their hard work isn’t reciprocated. When all they have given isn’t appreciated or returned. We don’t stop to think that maybe this person doesn’t have it in them to return it right now, never mind they never asked for it! That little tidbit is always elusive when we are hammering out emotions. It’s very easy to be angry that someone took and took without returning, but let’s be real, if you found a gas pump dispensing free gas would you stop and force your money in or would you just fill up? Sometimes people are malicious in their intent but more often than not they just are filling up at a pump dispensing free gas when they are empty as hell. It is up to us to regulate, to discern who needs the gas and how much we can afford to give. Also wouldn’t hurt to wait for someone to ask if we have any to spare. You don’t see gas pumps chasing cars down the street offering gas because they look a little empty! The amount of energy we drain from ourselves and the responsibilities we put in those we give it to is unfair and often ends in a toxic abusive blowup.
The final abuse an empath hands out, or the final one I’ll address anyway, is being obsessive and crossing boundaries. We already know empaths suck at boundaries, especially at first, but they also suck at respecting them. If we notice someone is upset or broken we dive right in. We will call them out on things they aren’t ready to share, attempt to fix things they don’t think or know are broken, and internalize their issues making them ours. How is this healthy?! When we learn to handle our empathic abilities, use them for our own growth and to help others only when asked, being an empath is wonderful, before then, it’s a hot mess. We have the ability to do far more damage than good, destroy relationships before they even start, and lose out on people before we even know why they were in our life to begin with. So while being an empath appears to be far better than being a narcissist, it’s time to check yourself because I promise you’re no better. Your water just softened your noodles while theirs hardened their egg.

We all are a product of our trauma. That is the point of all of this. Our actions and reactions, our ego or lack thereof, our anger and our empathy. All a product of our traumas. We aren’t measured by how soft or hard they made us, by what side of the trauma line we landed on. We are measured by how we choose to act and react going forward. By knowing when to be hard and when to be soft. By choosing to heal ourselves and take the responsibility off of others. We are judged by choosing to no longer be the victim, not of our pasts and not of our present. So whether a narcissist that is choosing to control or attempt to create boundaries for others, or an empath refusing to set our own and blowing through everyone else’s, our job is to heal and grow. Us. Not anyone else, not for anyone else, not because of anyone else. I promise, no matter how bad you’ve had it, no matter how abused you’ve been, you have been and will be the abuser. Choose to see it, choose to own it, and choose to change it. You will heal when you choose to and receive love when you give it. No more waiting for someone to change first, no more blaming others for your own poor choices. Acknowledgment will always be the most powerful tool in your possession. Use it! Embrace your egg, take care of your noodles, and join me on the egg noodle side, it’s delicious over here. 💛