Reflection

Last week I talked all about the mirrors in our life, what they show us and how they see us. Today I am going to talk about our reflection, not just what is reflected back at us, but what we choose to see. I have found that the first step in my healing meant finally seeing me, no filters, no lighting, no photoshop, just raw beautiful messy me. Because it was messy, still is in a lot of ways. The day I decided to face the ugly is the day I finally got to see, really see, all my beauty. There is also something incredibly freeing about finally seeing. Learning that you have been in control of your happiness this whole time means you get to finally change it. You have been in your way, you have been your downfall, and thankfully, you get to decide to change. In a second, you can stand in front of your mirror and release all the ropes tying you down. We are not prisoners to our environment, we are not the product of our raise, we are not the sum of our mistakes. All of these things that have kept us ugly, kept us reflecting a version of ourselves that we don’t like into the world, it is all free the second we choose to let it go. Is it easy to see ourselves clearly? No, not at first. Is it worth it? Absolutely! Seeing your reflection takes a level of honesty and humility you can’t even imagine, there is nothing easy about realizing that you are the one holding yourself hostage, but the other side of that is a freedom you never thought was possible and maybe, never even knew you needed.

During our last visit to the Redwoods I noticed the effects of a fire. These trees were still magnificent and tall, seemingly unbothered by the scars on their trunks. There was a sad beauty to it all. I also noticed all these bright green growths around the base. Bright beauty amongst the devastation. I couldn’t help but use it in my own life. One of the things I have always said was I had to be brave enough to turn and face the fire rather than run from it. Family dysfunction seemed to roll through my family generations like wildfire, relentless and leaving no one untouched. The day I became a mother I knew I had to change it. It had to stop with me. Now actually grasping how to do that has not come easy and something I still work on daily. It did mean facing the fire, but even more so, welcoming it. See much like the forest floor I was covered with old dead brush. Everything that fell from, was pulled from, or died on my tree somehow ended up on the floor by my feet. It kept me stationary. Not growing, not changing, just surviving. Then came the fire. I had to not only face it, I had to let it burn me. This meant seeing everything I had known, imagined, dreamed, and avoided, all be destroyed right before my eyes. It was devastating and full of loss. Loss of who I thought I was, loss of who I thought others were, and just loss. Pure, heartbreaking loss. I was broken down in ways I didn’t know was even possible. The difference between this time and all the other times I felt the rug pulled out from under me, is me. I chose to see this through, I didn’t run or try to hide. I made no excuses, not for my behavior nor for anyone else’s. I just chose to let it burn and finally let go of all my dead brush. Like the forest, there was finally room for all my good to grow. Trees drop acorns or seeds and they never quite reach the soil. They land on dead brush and leaves, left to rot or be taken by animals to be useful elsewhere. When the floor around the tree is clear, all it has to offer can finally grow. This has been me. When I finally cleared my floor, everything I had to offer was finally able to grow. I was able to finally see the real me, my real reason for existing. I carry burn scars, there are parts of me forever changed. I will always have a little ugly around my base but my beauty is finally able to be seen.

Accepting my reflection has been the most important for me. I have to take all that I faced, all that I burned and learn from it, otherwise I burned for nothing. Our reflections are our own responsibility. Who we see and who we portray has to come from our heart and our souls. We can’t be and will never be in charge of how it appears to others, if its accepted by everyone, or even if others deem it beautiful. Unlike current life, your worth and reflection will never be sustained by likes and follows. You have to not only see who you are but be happy with it. You get to decide the impact you leave on this planet and what you pass down to generations below you. One of the hardest things to do is live for yourself and I cant quite understand why. I mean I’m guilty of it, guilty of letting others views taint my own. We seem to forget that they aren’t looking at us, actually seeing us, they are looking at us through their own mirror. We are living our lives trying to please people who hate their own reflections, and really could care less about what yours truly is. We tend to try to fix our reflections by deeming others worse. When we point out others flaws, somehow we hide our own. Its a pretty ridiculous mind game we have given ourselves, and a poor excuse for our own behaviors. The day I decided to see myself, all of myself, is the day my flaws quit being someone else’s weapon. I was no longer hiding them, no longer hiding behind someone else’s reflection. So when my ugly scars were detected it was no longer a fail. Yea I have scars, yes I still fall right on my face, but look at all my beauty. Look at all my love. Love for myself and love for others. Like most, my reflection changes often. Somedays I look cute and some I’m pretty bloated, but everyday, I am me. I know who I am and while I have to answer for me, I have to brush off the dirt and clean up my wounds, I no longer have to avoid my reflection by trying to see yours. Your reflection is your own and you are responsible for it. Responsible for the good and responsible for the bad. I’ll never know what you see, but I will always choose to look at you with love. I know how hard this life is and how brutal these lessons can be. Sometimes you get to be a hero in my story and sometimes you get to be the villain, and this is how it goes for us all. Whichever part you play, I’m grateful. I let my dead brush burn so now I choose to use all I am given. When I have a fire to face I choose to be grateful for the beauty it will allow, when new growth starts popping up all around me I choose to be humble, I know how hard I worked to earn it and I am thankful for all of it.

I don’t know where you are in your reflection journey but I do know you aren’t alone. There are some that are way more comfortable with their reflection than I am and some that still hate what they see. No matter where you are I encourage you to keep going. This life is worth living and the people, animals, and earth around us are worth loving. We are meant to thrive in this world, don’t let your scars outshine your beauty, don’t let your falls be bigger than the lessons they teach, and don’t let your fear of fire stop you from letting your seeds grow. Choose to see the beauty in your reflection and be free to reflect exactly who you are. It may not be what everyone wants to see but that’s their reflection, not yours.