Mental Hoarding

I have to thank my husband for this blog idea. During conversation he said these words and it just made sense, and I knew I wanted to share it with you. Since he doesn’t write his thoughts out, as profound as they are, I will go ahead and do it, with my own spin of course. So I must start by giving credit where due. Thank you Joey for this little nugget and all the other ones you give me daily, I love you forever.
This came up during one of our daily “lessons” discussions. We are so open everyday to what we are learning, what we need to change, and where we can grow from here. One thing I talk about often is owning your shit. Your traumas, your hurts, your transgressions, all of it. Owning them, feeling them, learning from them. In that aspect it is so important to be able to give acknowledgement to these nuggets so you can let go and heal. What happens though when we don’t let go. We may believe we healed, believe we moved past it, but there it is, ready to come back up in discussion. Remember that one time when you…. And there it is folks, mental hoarding. I used to think that it was ok to bring up the past. If I wasn’t angry about it surely we could discuss it, right? Nope, super wrong. Like the Hubs so nicely pointed out, there is no good from going back. Even if you’ve forgiven, or told yourself you have, when we bring these storage boxes up out of our mental locker, all we do is go back. We remember how it felt to be hurt and if we are talking with the one we’ve forgiven we remind them of a place where they hurt. It’s impossible not to. If we are truly going to heal from an event we need to feel it through only once. Anything else is just poking a scar and hoping it doesn’t pop open. No matter the pretty packaging you attempt to deliver it in, bringing up the past over and over is like eating shit and saying it’s caviar. This is especially true with the Hubs and I. We’ve been together since the very beginning of our 20’s, you don’t get to log 16+ years of relationship time without inflicting some scars. It just isn’t possible. We grow, we change, all while making a conscious effort to do so together. I’ve had to forgive him and he me, multiple times. We’ve had the hard conversations and had to do some deep soul searching along the way. Every once in awhile there is a trigger, something that puts you back in a place that wounded you. Now if you’ve truly healed, truly let go, you can acknowledge this place and move on. You know you don’t live there anymore. Or, you can be triggered to this place and find your little caviar shit bucket and decide to take it for a spin. “This one time…” “Remember when you did this or said that?” “I just want to talk about…”
That my friends is mental hoarding. It’s not only unfair to you, it’s unfair to anyone you decide to share the weight with. I’m so lucky that I’m married to someone that is open to acknowledging and growing from these things and vice versa. Truly healing, truly forgiving means these places never get to be a part of your future. You learn, you set boundaries, you heal. Then you let go. We never seem to realize the weight of our mental hoarding until life throws us on a spiritual scale. Then we find ourselves angry and in shock at the way we let ourselves go. So we have to go back, unpack, and start the healing all over again. If you find yourself back at the same crossroads, at the same hurt intersection over and over again, you have to ask yourself, are they the problem or am I? If you aren’t setting your boundaries and growing from what you learn then you cant get mad that people keep coming in and taking up residence in your head space. It is not up to them to change for you, it is up to you to change for you. I encourage you, take inventory. Do you have boxes stacked and trash shoved? Clear your mental space, let go of everything that doesn’t serve you anymore. Acknowledge the hurts, accept your lesson, and finally let it go. We are all worth more than shit caviar.