Anger And Guilt: Hello Grief

I’ve written before about grief, I knew I would write about it again. I wasn’t sure why I would, I definitely didn’t expect this would be why. Today I am going to talk about anger and her grief bff, guilt. They go hand in hand during grief, not in a cute little romantic relationship goals kind of way, more like a Grady twins shining kind of way. They will suck you in forever if you let them. I recently had another run in with grief, one I am still dealing with today. Over Mothers day weekend we took a little trip, and for the first time we didn’t take our dog. The very first time! He got loose and was tragically hit by a car. I dropped him off as the amazingly cute love bug he was, and I picked him up in a box. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I love that guy and he was so so much more than a dog. The first two days I was just numb, sad, and mad at myself. I very quickly moved to intense anger, blame, and guilt. I went from being mad at myself to berating myself non stop. So not healthy. I knew two things: one, I had to process, work, and feel through this, and two, there were lessons to be learned. Learning, I am.

The minute we got word I knew it was an accident. I was to devastated to be mad, it came though. Before I knew it I was so angry and I wanted to blame someone, I wanted some sort of justice. Justice that didn’t exist. What I really wanted is my dog back, that wasn’t happening. There was no amount of anger in the world that was going to change what had happened. That is one of the hardest things about death, its permanence. I know souls don’t die, my Pugsley has already come to me and I am forever grateful for that, but he will never be in the same body. His journey here, at this time, is complete and the fact that nothing in the world or universe can change that is a hard pill to swallow. It’s why anger is an easy grief tool. You can’t control the loss so you try to control the emotions. That doesn’t help in the long run but we will stubbornly think it does. I was spiraling and I knew it. I wanted to be angry, I wanted to blame everything on one person. That isn’t fair nor is it helpful. I know what an accident is, I know they would never have done this on purpose. So, what did I do? I analyzed every part of it. What they did, what they didn’t do, all of it. At the end of the day the lessons were mine and I had to learn them. What lessons you may ask? Well a few, but lets start with my anger. I was destroying myself and I was making an already heavy weight one too much to carry. I took longer than I would like to admit to stop going to that place, for every negative and angry thought I had, a million more were ready to take its place. I didn’t sleep, I had no peace. The minute I forgave them is the minute I found peace. Not a release of grief, I am still grieving, but peace. I don’t have to carry a burden that doesn’t change the outcome, I don’t have to take his life and make it all about his death. I have far more to be grateful for than I do to be angry about when it comes to him. I wanted to be angry in his honor but by doing so I was not honoring him at all. Of course I had reason to be angry, to have expected him to be cared for with no mistakes, that is normal. Being consumed by it and not processing it, is not normal. I had to work hard on this and I still am to be honest but after many days of being heavy I finally feel like I can breathe. Anger will consume you, it will burn through your soul like a fire. I am a big fan of burning, but we must burn to heal not to harm. Anger is harm, there is no other side.

Guilt is another hard one. I struggle with the guilt the most. The first person I had to forgive was myself. I had a bad feeling about leaving him and I ignored it. I thought I had first time away from him jitters. When I got the phone call I immediately started bashing myself. I know how much I love him, if I knew this was going to happen I would never have left him. I trusted others over my own intuition. It is a mistake I will never make again. For that, the guilt took over. I know there are a million lessons to be learned from this, learning to trust myself is one. A big one, and one that came at a very high cost. I own that, acknowledge it. Hello lesson, I see you. I felt guilty I wasn’t there, that I couldn’t hold him as he left us. I felt like I failed him. Somehow this moment in time was overriding everything else. He was the most loved and cared for dog I’ve ever known. How was my mind telling me I failed him because of this one moment, when there are a million others where I could never. Again, I was making his life all about his death and he does not deserve that. The guilt was consuming and not in the best way. I lost a week trapped in a haze, consumed by anger and guilt. I had to wake up and wake up I did.

Grief is important, its healing, it’s love that we can no longer share all wrapped up into immense emotions. We have to keep that in mind. Grief is love. There is no anger and guilt in love, those emotions are evil little trolls that jump in at our most vulnerable moment. It takes away so much, it takes away from us, eats at us from the inside out. Worst, it takes away from the loves we lost. It takes their legacy and makes it tainted. It takes all the love we have for them and hides it behind these emotions that destroy us. I am all for grief, love is worth the loss, I just can’t have the grief become hate. There is no room for hate and no one I love is worthy of anything less than all the love I can give. If you find yourself where I am, I hope you find the love. All the love you cant give them, I encourage you to give yourself and all those around you. Miss them, feel the emptiness they left, own every bit of that ache. Do so with a grateful heart, the love you shared with them will always be greater than the ending, no matter how it comes.