A Lot Of Shit Under My Shine

I was just talking with my sister and the title of this blog was born. There was a TikTok she shared with me about being real at funerals, and I realized that we tend to only recognize the shine, not the shit. I think it’s not only ok to acknowledge the shit, but necessary, it’s the shit that allows us to shine anyway. We get so caught up in trying to hide our ugly that we forget it’s what led to our pretty. When all we show is the shine it takes no time at all for everyone to think it’s a facade. And it is. Not that you don’t have shine, you do, but let’s be real, you’re also full of shit. As am I! No mud, no lotus. No pain, no joy. No shit, no shine. It all goes together.

I’ve been having a hard time lately, there are so many things happening that give me such joy, that I am so grateful for. There are also things happening that are tearing me down. Massively heavy. I found myself being swallowed by it at times. I needed this conversation with my sister, I needed to remember my shine in the midst of my shit. I needed to remember that I can be both. I thought maybe one of you would need to remember too.

Many of you know me as the Medium, or the Intuitive Guide, I don’t always get to show everyone the person behind the readings. Today I will, so welcome to my shit show. I haven’t always been as comfortable in my own skin. I wasn’t always able to see my worth or the worth of others. No excuses, but being an empath and a medium my whole life wasn’t easy. I felt crazy most of my life. Not being able to know or accept who I was meant I didn’t do well at knowing or accepting others. I’m still working everyday to be a person I am proud of. A person that truly loves others as well as myself! This is a work in progress but for once I truly believe I deserve love, as do all of you! Our lives haven’t been easy or perfect, it’s impossible for them to be. We do live in a time when it’s pretty easy to imply that you do though. Social media and Amazon make living an aesthetically perfect life pretty easy. But is it though? Do we really live this way all the time? What did we go through to get to this place? What do we continue to go through as we grow from this place? This is hardly talked about. Not in the ugly gritty way that it is. Well today we get ugly.

I’ve had some situations come up recently that want to make me crumble. That are trying to hold me down or feel bad about myself. In the past I think I would have spiraled, felt really bad or tried to deny or hide. Not this time. I feel like that scene in the movie “8 Mile” where Eminem raps every embarrassing thing about his life and leaves his opponent scrambling and ultimately losing the battle. When you own every part of you, then you give no one a weapon! This is my goal today.

I haven’t always been who I am today and I will be able to say that everyday from here on out because everyday I learn. Some days are great days, some days are total bombs but I am learning from them all. I’ve been the liar, the thief, the gossip, the judgmental know it all, the victim, the bully, and the narcissist. I’ve been them all. One at a time, multiple at once, and on the really crazy days- all of them at once. I know this. I own this. It is no longer a weapon! No matter who wants to try and use it against me. I do know that while I, unfortunately, am not perfect, I do try. I have decided to live honestly and in love everyday. Some days that’s easy and some it’s hard as hell. But I try. Everyday. I have tried to make amends with everyone in my life I’ve hurt, whether intentional or not. If you’re reading this and you were or are slighted by me, I’m truly sorry. I’ve come to two very empowering conclusions: 1)I can’t change my past. 2) I don’t have to be ashamed of it either. Phew, what a weight off!

Coming out of the mediumship closet in my mid 30’s wasn’t easy, and it meant a lot of judgment. Some of the harshest moments come from family and close friends. People I had hoped would come around or at the very least leave it be. I had to decide early on that I wouldn’t get sucked in or obsess over their opinion. Ugghhh, that’s been so hard. When I say that we have to love ourselves I mean it. If I didn’t truly love who I am, I would easily be swayed by the judgment of others. If I didn’t truly love myself, I would continually judge others. I’ve been there and done that, and unfortunately still do at times. I didn’t truly know or love myself, and I’m still learning. Now, don’t get me wrong, this newfound love doesn’t delete my history. It doesn’t mean that I haven’t or continue to mess shit up. It just means that I no longer let it define who I am. If I mess up, I have to acknowledge it. I have to make amends, and I do. Now I can’t control how others take that but that’s their weight to carry and not mine.

We are all here to learn and grow. We all have beautiful shine, but we all have a lot of shit. I think it’s time we owned both. I have a lot of shine and I’m proud of that, I also have a ton of shit and today, I’m proud of that too. So if this is you, if you struggle with your past. If you struggle with your present. If you love your shine but think your shit makes it dull. I’m here to tell you it doesn’t. I’m here to encourage you to own both. When you take ownership, you no longer have shame. Who you were isn’t who you are, and who you are isn’t who you will be. Enjoy the growth, learn from the falls, and own them both. They make you you, and I love you!