Don’t Let A Flashback Be A Setback

Oh those wonderful moments, you know the ones, when someone or something triggers something deep inside you and before you know it, you are in a “we aren’t in Kansas anymore” sized spiral and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. I had such a moment just last week. I was spiraling and there was nothing graceful about it. I had to catch myself, I mean really catch myself. No one was gonna do it for me and if they tried, I wasn’t listening. I would like to sit here and tell you I caught on quickly and had this wonderful come to Jesus moment and everything was calm as quickly as it started, but that would be a big fat lie! I spiraled for a good 12 hours, now granted, half of that was sleep time but it was not a peaceful sleep time. You know the kind, where your dreams are angry, scary, or both. I woke up the next day with swollen, crusty eyes, and hair from hell. My iPhone wouldn’t even recognize me for face id. It was ugly! That was my come to Jesus moment. Now am I proud that my troll-like appearance is what made me take pause and need to snap out of it? No, but I am grateful even if a little vain. This blog is all about the spiral and how we stop the flashbacks from being a setback.

I don’t know what I was expecting in the situation that sent me spiraling, but I did not get what I expected. I guess that was my first problem right there, expectations. I should know by now that expectations are a sure fire way to be disappointed. Well, for me it started with a box. Simple enough, until I opened it. The contents of that box sent me right back. Back to loss, anger, rejection, and sadness. I remembered so many things I thought I had overcome. One moment, one trigger, and I was lost in a spiral I had no reason to be in. I forgot me. Isn’t that what happens in a spiral? We allow someone or something to take us back to who or where we were and we forget exactly where we are. This is what I had to remind myself of. I had to stop and remember who I had become in spite of and because of this box and its contents. It took me a minute to remember that I was both stronger and humbled by that box. It reminded me where I have been, and obviously what I still had to work on. Again, this did not come to me as fast as I would like to say it did. I was so angry! Angry and hurt, to be honest. I was triggered and I didn’t want to do the work to figure out why, I just wanted to destroy the one that triggered me. I was ready for war! I am beyond glad I didnt make any rash decisions, instead I mopped my floors. It allowed me to burn off some of what I was feeling and the floors needed a cleaning, Two birds, one stone. When I was done I just wanted to lay down until I fell into a restless sleep. For that, I am grateful. I don’t even want to imagine the aftermath had I just fully reacted and made rash decisions in an emotional time. When I woke up I knew it was time to fix this trigger. I had to remember that the ability to trigger me isnt on anyone or anything. That is my wound, my landmine, and only I could remedy this. I decided at that moment that where I went was just a flashback and I don’t and won’t live there anymore.

That is the thing with triggers, they take us to a place we don’t love, a place that makes us feel little, trapped, hurt, and angry. Our first reaction is to blame whatever triggered that landmine instead of taking responsibility for having the landmine in the first place. In an instant we are back to blame and deflection. Living in a place that no longer serves us, looking for acknowledgment from a source that never had it to begin with. Instead of the flashback being a reminder of healing we still need, we take it as an invite to move right back in. That is how a spiral can take you from Kansas to Oz, leaving you lost and wearing someone else’s shoes. I realized I had some forgiving to do, forgiving I thought I had done. I also had to acknowledge that what I was hoping for was never going to be something I could have. I also had to realize that sometimes people or circumstances are just unable to be what you want. They are always what we need, even when what we need is painful. Some lessons are hard and they shape you like polishing a crystal. It’s gritty and long, and slowly strips you of all your rough edges so you may shine. That is not a fun or easy process, but how pretty you become! I may want them to be my polish but they are my sand, and I will be grateful nonetheless.

We will have many moments in this life where we are reminded of where we have been, reminded of our traumas and wounds, it is up to us to respond accordingly. When we have those flashbacks, don’t let it become a setback, don’t take it as a one way ticket to Oz. When a landmine is discovered, don’t blame the one that happened to step on it, chances are they had no idea it was there, and if they did, even better. I know you might think if someone trips one on purpose that they are the asshole, I know I did, but they are your trigger to heal. Not to plant more landmines! When we decide to heal, truly heal, we want no landmines. We want no triggers. Now that is easier said than done, I know this, but it is worth getting done. Do what you must when you have these moments. Ugly cry, yell, rage, mop your floors, but do it by yourself. Do not make your flashback become a future flashback for someone else. That is something we never think of. You know the phrase “hurt people, hurt people,” and while that is certainly true, we can’t normalize that. We can’t let our landmines become building materials for someone else’s. We can’t keep passing the trauma like a really messy game of hot potato. Healing takes us and us alone, it is a choice we must make and we heal regardless of others willingness to do so themselves. Waiting for the world to heal so you finally can is like waiting for a green light at a stop sign. It isn’t happening and what time you will waste. These moments aren’t setbacks at all, quite the opposite, they are setting you up for something great if you choose to accept it. I hope you do. There is something immensely freeing about jumping out of a spiral, about taking back the power that once was taken from you. Something beautiful about remembering where you’ve been and loving where you are. I promise you will live a life more peacefully protected without the landmines, so dig them up, disarm them, and plant some flowers! Life is beautiful if you let it be.